In my last column, I talked about why it can be so difficult for us to articulate what we want, to say what we need to be happy. In other words, why do people struggle to know the outcome that they want? My quick answer is that it may be because no one has asked them, but feel free to read the whole discussion.
A reader shared a case of a friend who had solved the problem of knowing what they wanted: they were crystal clear about it. And yet, the reader related, their friend consistently said and did things that moved them further from their goal. Could this be, I was asked, a case of self-sabotage? And if so, how to stop the self-defeating behavior?
I will honestly say that while I had heard about the concept of self-sabotage before and have a general idea of what it means, I’m far from an expert, so instead of queuing up some prepackaged advice, that question sent me down a bit of a self-sabotage rabbit hole. In other words, I spent some time reading online articles about it.
Side note that only I may find amusing—it’s amazing how much AI has impacted our culture in such a short time. Once, parsing the knowledge gleaned from the first page of search results would have been considered the laziest of all possible “research,” and admitting to it tantamount to a confession of intellectual weakness. Today, though, I feel like not just asking some generative AI and accepting whatever it dishes out as the final word and instead reading through a few articles makes me some kind of learned sage.
But I feel I’ve always been honest with you: I write in this space from a place of curiosity, not authority, and in this case I’m learning more about self-sabotage just a step ahead of you—and possibly a few steps behind.
First off, what is self-sabotaging behavior? Psychology Today says that it is behavior that “creates problems in daily life and interferes with long-standing goals.” Barbara Field, writing for VeryWellMind, defines it as “intentional action (or inaction) that undermines people’s progress and prevents them from accomplishing their goals.” I like even better her next sentence: “Self-sabotage occurs when people hinder their own success.” That seems like a pithy way to capture the concept and explain its destructive potential.
Obligatory “sabotage” links because I can’t stop thinking about them: One and Two.
How can one spot self-sabotage? Mostly, it shows up after some careful self-analysis—or astute observation of someone around you—reveals a regrettable truth: that one’s actions are counter to their stated goals.
In other words, they know what they need to be happy, and they are doing their absolute best to make sure they never get there. Frustrating to see in others, and all-too-often invisible in ourselves.
Self-sabotage seems so irrational that our first instinct may be to deny it. But think seriously and candidly and admit it—there are times when you’ve sabotaged yourself, at least a little. I think most of us have. Recognizing self-sabotage in oneself—or not immediately dismissing someone who says that they see us doing it—is difficult, since we rarely are consciously aware that we are sabotaging. I didn’t make a snide comment to someone whose support I need to cultivate because I want to drive them away—they were just acting so ridiculously I couldn’t hold back. I didn’t play video games instead of studying for that exam because I wanted to fail—I just needed to unwind before I really got into studying so that I could focus more. Unfortunately, I decided to play Sid Meier’s Civilization and “just one more turn” kept me chasing milestones instead of studying all night.
Why do we self-sabotage? The most common explanations circle back to some variant of low self-esteem or lack of confidence (fear that actually trying and coming up short will reveal some inherent character defect, while hobbling oneself can be chalked off to bad luck or perennial adversity). Another Psychology Today article by Valentina Stoycehva posits that self-sabotaging behaviors are actually “deeply rooted adaptations to prior adversity.” In other words, it is a survival strategy. Failure to progress professionally might be a way of staying rooted in the past or a reaction to trauma.
Stoycheva suggests a three-part strategy for overcoming so-called self-sabotage. First, learn the function of the self-sabotaging behaviors—how did they help you cope in the past? Second, identify the underlying needs and bring them to consciousness. What needs do those coping strategies address? Third, examine your belief system for trauma-related negative beliefs, such as feeling you don’t deserve good things or that no one else cares about your success. This inventory, she feels, may set one on the right path.
I’ve been thinking about this, and I can offer you a quick checklist to evaluate for self-sabotage. After doing or saying something, ask yourself two questions:
- Does this action set me back from my outcome?
- If I saw someone else do it, would I accuse them of self-sabotage?
If both answers are yes, you are probably self-sabotaging.
And, as with so much, the first step towards stopping an undesirable behavior is to recognize that you are doing it. From there, think deeply about what you want and what you need to do to get there. The second step is having the self-reflection and discipline to not only detect self-sabotage, but to stop it before it unfurls. It might be difficult at first, but breaking the cycle might feel good.
A delicate question: what do we do when we see someone around us self-sabotaging? There is no easy answer. If we are particularly close with them and have built a deep store of trust, calling them out might be effective. If we are just acquaintances, though, accusing someone of self-sabotage will most likely trigger a defensive response, and maybe even hostility. So it might make sense to ease our way into the discussion, asking them what they really want, seeing if they connect the dots, because someone realizing for themselves that they are self-sabotaging is infinitely better than being told one is doing it.
Obligatory note here: if you’re affiliated with UNLV, and think that you might be self-sabotaging and want to talk options, feel free to make an appointment with the Ombuds. If you’re someone else, it’s still a good idea to find someone to talk with.
So until next time, expect the unexpected, stay informed, and I’ll stay informal.
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