Are you having trouble building long-term, mutually beneficial work relationships with others? Do you struggle with getting others “on your side,” getting them to see your point of view? Does it seem like no one wants to do you any favors? If, after some honest introspection, you find yourself in this circumstance your group might be relating with each other in a less-than-effective way.
There are plenty of possibilities about why the group isn’t clicking, but the main problem might be how we tend to interact with each other in professional and even non-professional settings. While we once lived in relatively small groups where long-term relationships are the default, for well over a century, as big-city living has become the norm, as frequently interact with people we never see again. At the same, the increasing specialization of society makes us far more interdependent, so we become more focused on transactions and less on relationship-building. On a day-to-day basis, this makes logical sense because many of our daily interactions are strictly transactional.
Along with a focus on transactional interactions (try saying that fast five times) comes a tendency to treat others as if they were NPCs.
In video game parlance, an NPC is a non-player character, someone that you, as the player character, engages with strictly to advance your own story—perhaps a merchant or repair specialist. They tend to have limited dialogue options, and it is rare for the player to invest much time in building a relationship with them. After all, no matter how many times you sell a wealth of scavenged weapons to them, they’ll still greet you with the same, “So, you’re back. Now where did we leave off?” every time you see them, without exception.
In video games, getting what we want out of NPCs is simple. It’s a matter of knowing which option to select or passing the speech check (having enough skill points invested in Speech that a good option is open).
The thing about interacting with an NPC is that every encounter lives in a vacuum. You don’t build a rapport or seek understanding. There is no past and no future, just an eternal present. That’s not such a big deal when you are playing a video game that developers have only so much time to code, but it is tremendous mistake to carry this pattern over when you are out in the real world.
You might have heard it said that someone has “main character energy.” That’s not necessarily a video game reference—after all, fiction across all media tends to have main characters—but when said favorably, it’s to contrast them to those with NPC energy, all of us working drones who are just trying to get through the day. To me, it has a negative connotation, in that in means someone is always acting like they are the main character, when they could make everyone else a lot happier by sharing the limelight or at least not always trying to be the center of attention.
If someone finds that they are treating everyone around them like NPCs, even the people they work with every day, they might be suffering from a surplus of main character energy. And if your team isn’t clicking with each other, it might be that its members are approaching each other as NPCs.
Some clues that someone is treating others like NPCs:
- Makes decisions without consulting them, even decisions that will have a big impact on the work of the “NPC.”
- Doesn’t listen to what they have to say, or talks over them.
- Expects them to function in the same way, every day, without wondering what they are going through.
- Doesn’t ask about how they can make the “NPC’s” day better.
I could list more examples, but you get the point.
Just as an aside, I find it perfectly delightful to slip into the role of an NPC, particularly when I am in a role where I shouldn’t be the focus. As a mediator, I tell people that if they go home talking about the brilliant thing that the mediator said, I have failed in my job, since my function is to support them in saying brilliant things and understanding each other better, not to impress them with my own sagacity. When I am working as an ombuds with someone who has had a hard time, it is refreshing to slip into NPC mode, supporting them as they piece together their next chapter. But there is a huge difference between willingly adopting an NPC role when it is therapeutic to others and being forced into that role by default.
If you suspect that you might tend to slip into main character mode and relegate those around you to NPC-ness, here are a few simple tips to recognize their main character agency:
- Share the spotlight: it can be about them, too.
- Remember that they have entire complex lives outside of their professional roles. In fact, the work they do with you might be the least interesting thing about them.
- Learn what their goals are. What do they want out of life? How might you help them find it?
- Instead of interacting them with a “speech check” frame (“What words do I need to force them to do what I want?”) consider learning what their needs are, and how fulfilling both your needs can make you both better off.
I know it is crazy, utopian talk—treating others like they are just as important as you—but if more of us tried it, it just might work. One subtle thing that might help start: When someone apologizes for taking your time because they “know you are so busy,” assure them that you are just as busy as they are, and you are glad that you both made the time to understand each other better.
But what if someone is treating you like an NPC? I don’t advise saying, “Stop treating me like an NPC,” just like I would never, ever say “Stop being passive aggressive” to someone who seems passive aggressive (take a wild guess what the response to that statement almost always is). Instead, try to gently remind them of your essential humanity; perhaps try to slip in a reference to your complex life outside of your narrow job functions. Or ask them to share more about themselves, as a bridge to better understanding each other as complete main characters in your own right.
Unlike a strategy guide to a video game, I can’t guarantee that this approach will always get you what you want, but it will probably help those around you feel more appreciated, which is a fantastic start. So if you find yourself slipping into convenient transactional mode, just remind yourself that you aren’t working with a NPC, and act accordingly. And if things don’t get better, call me once you’ve maxed out Speech (and can pass the skill check) and I’ll give you the real game-breaking secret.
So until next time, expect the unexpected, stay informed, and I’ll stay informal.
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