We’ve all seen someone struggle. Many of us want to help them, but we aren’t sure what to say or do. While it is impossible to foresee every situation, there are a few universals—five of them, to be exact—that could go a long way towards making things better, and almost certainly won’t make them worse.
We could become aware of someone struggling in two ways: we might observe them having trouble, or they could come straight out and tell us. In the latter case, we usually feel much less inhibited about offering help, because those who confess their difficulties are almost always looking for a helping hand.
But what if you sense someone is having difficulties, even though they haven’t said anything directly? Maybe you picked up on an extraneous sigh, or a weary expression around the eyes, or unusually terse communication, or that plain, nearly-panicked blank expression that silently screams “I am overwhelmed.”
As you might have guessed from the headline, I am going to suggest five strategies to help engage with someone in such a circumstance, but before I do that I will throw out a few gratuitous examples of what not to do.
First, don’t say something along the lines of “Are you OK? You look awful.” When people say things like that, I imagine the response is, “Well I was feeling bad, but now I’m feeling even worse, because in addition to whatever’s preoccupying me, I now have to worry about my appearance.”
Second, if you notice them struggling with a particular task, it’s best not to launch into a detailed critique of everything they are doing wrong, and even worse to tell them that they’re doing it wrong. They already know they’re doing it wrong. And hitting them with a list of every flaw in their approach is going to be simultaneously overwhelming and discouraging.
Third, try to avoid what I like to call the unsolicited personality inventory. This is the phenomenon where someone notices that you’re having a hard time and decides that the only antidote is to tell you exactly why you aren’t successful/you’re not happy/nobody likes you. They will catalog with loving care each quirk, each eccentricity, which annoys “everyone.” While the critiquer can impress themselves with their diagnostic prowess, this is highly unlikely to provoke a productive breakthrough for their victim.
So what might actually help? Finally we get to our five things:
- Smile. I have heard that suggesting that people smile more can be fraught with discomfort these days, but smiles–or, at the very least, a friendly expression–remain an unmatched method of communicating nonverbally that someone is welcome around you and that you don’t bear them any ill will. A genuine smile can help someone else feel more at ease, and it can even improve the mood of the smiler. And I have heard that smiles are still contagious.
- Listen. If you are a regular reader of mine, you know how much faith I put in listening as one of the best ways to connect with people. Quite often, people remain in conflict mostly because no one is listening to them. Particularly if someone is having a rough time, letting them talk about what is bothering them is enormously helpful for two reasons. First, it lets them process what is happening by letting them build a narrative, which lets them assert a measure of control over their story. Second, having someone to talk to, even if they don’t say a word, lets the person know that they are not alone. At least one other person in the world, if they don’t directly share their pain, knows about it.
- Ask questions. Note: this does not mean interrogate the person, firing intrusive questions at them. Think of it more as a natural extension of the listening piece. If you have taken my Thoughtful Listening seminar, this is moving from reflective listening to productive listening. The best questions consider what the person has told you and extrapolates what else they might want to tell you. Imagine (in what I already suspect is a terrible analogy, but I’ve committed to it and now am curious to hear what others think) of the story as a baby being delivered: for most healthy newborns, whoever is assisting the mother is doing just that: providing encouragement to the mother while physically supporting the newborn as it emerges. When someone is telling a story, their listener can ask supportive questions that help the whole narrative emerge. No stork pin, though.
- Compliment. Sincerely. Even the most lost person has to be doing something right. Giving a specific compliment can help the person feel less worthless and more effective, and it can give them a base to rebuild their skills. It is a reminder that even someone doing an objectively bad job of a task has some redeeming qualities. Sometimes we might need to reach far for the compliment, but it is usually there. Case in point: coaching a kids’ Brazilian Jiu Jitsu match, my coachee was, frankly, completely outclassed by their opponent, getting in no real offense and offering no real defense. When they bemoaned their performance, I reminded them that just having the courage to walk on the mat and compete, they were head and shoulders above most of the people walking around. And I meant it.
- Offer guidance and perspective. It is very, very important to be careful here. A little goes a long way. Unsolicited advice is often just as unwelcome as the unsolicited personality inventory (and, in my book, unsolicited parenting advice is the least welcome of all). Instead, offering small, limited answers to specific questions is genuinely helpful. Think of it this way: when someone is in way over their head, they probably lack a framework to hang the details on, so giving them a plethora of details will just get them more confused and discouraged. Instead, gently helping them create that framework by offering advice in small, digestible chunks will go much farther. One can also offer perspectives that help frame the current struggles: do most people run into problems? Is there usually a learning curve? If so, that’s encouraging for someone who is battling through it to hear.
It’s not fun seeing someone go through a rough patch, but by pursuing the strategies above, you might help them get past it. As always, a little encouragement can go a long way. By offering gentle support, you could give them the boost they need to navigate to clear waters.
So until next time, expect the unexpected, stay informed, and I’ll stay informal.
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