In my work as an organizational ombuds, I talk with people who are frustrated for a number of reasons. Most people who come to see me are not happy about something, but the most distressed tend to be those who feel that they are not being heard. I would like to break down five stages of being heard (or not) that have emerged in my work. Hopefully, if you are not being heard, knowing about these stages will help you pinpoint just what the problem is, which puts you a step closer to resolving the issue. And if you are accused of not listening, asking some questions might give you an idea of just where things are breaking down, which can help you fix them.
When we are not being heard, we may feel that we are caught in an unending, unchanging cavern of hopeless abandonment, but it may be more helpful to think of “not being heard” as a continuum. I will sketch them for you now.
Stage One: Unable to speak
Here, the subject is unable to say what they need to for one of two reasons: They are not allowed to share their opinion, or they are so cowed by potential retaliation that they feel that speaking up will deliver negative consequences that far outweigh any potential movement forward.
This is by far the worst stage, because the subject is twice denied: they are unable to use their voice, and they are unable to change their situation. People in this stage will report intense feelings of helplessness.
Stage Two: No One’s Listening
At this stage, the subject feels free to share their mind as much as they want, but no one listens—or at least the person responsible for making changes won’t listen. This stage, like the first, has two related but distinct flavors. In the first, the target of the subject’s speaking communicates that they are not actively listening—by staying on their phone or engaged in other activities, by interrupting, or by claiming that they have heard something other than what was actually said.
Subjects at this stage may feel less disregarded but more frustrated than those in stage one. Here, at least someone knows that they are speaking their mind, and it is not their fault that others choose not to listen. This is more frustrating because the fact that one is speaking, possibly with all of the benefits of passion and logic, and the person addressed doesn’t care enough to listen can make us doubt just how smart and eloquent we are. Not being allowed to speak can make us feel powerless, but not being heard can make us feel like an idiot.
Stage Three: Listening But
Here, we are free to speak, and we know that our target has heard and understood us. They know exactly where we are coming from, they sense exactly how important this is to us. And it doesn’t matter, because they aren’t doing anything at all.
Of course, we don’t know what they are doing or aren’t doing. Maybe they are trying their best to make changes, but things aren’t as easy as they seem. Maybe someone else is overriding them. For all you know, they could be even more disheartened than you. Still, that doesn’t change how irritating it can be to know that you have been heard but nothing has changed. Still, all things considered, it isn’t as bad as not being heard at all.
At this stage there can be some self-doubt—am I really as persuasive as I think I am? Overall, though, it isn’t as crushing a blow to self-confidence as the first two stages can be. That is little comfort for those who feel heard but don’t see their words translating into action, but it may be constructive to shift focus here, asking why no action is happening—and being prepared for some hard answers.
Stage Four: Not Enough
Now we are out of the valley of not being heard and, if we aren’t swooshing down the mountain slopes, we are at least on a plain. At this stage, the subject is being heard, and things are changing, but they aren’t changing quickly or comprehensively enough for the subject’s liking. As you can imagine, this isn’t a terrible place to be. We have the satisfaction of having spoken up, and the validation that we were on target: things are moving in the direction we want. Still, we have that nagging feeling that either we didn’t say all we could, or maybe we weren’t really as heard as we thought we were.
Many people are lucky to make it to this stage. It’s a good place to be—you are freed from the responsibility of speaking up, and you can see that your words have made a difference. For some, however, partial progress isn’t enough. Getting what they want, though, may be a mixed blessing, as we will see in stage five.
Stage Five: They’re Listening!
Not only were you allowed to speak; not only were you heard; not only did they start making changes; they also gave you everything you wanted. As far as whoever you were convincing is concerned, you are the world’s greatest expert on the topic, and they will follow your words as if they were holy writ.
Perfect, right? Maybe, maybe not. Because now, you have no excuses if anything goes wrong, because you have plotted the course yourself. And sometimes, in your deepest heart, when the responsibility seems overwhelming, you might wonder if you would have been happier if you hadn’t been quite so persuasive.
Looking at being heard or not as a continuum rather than a duality helps give a sense of the exchange that defines it. When we are voiceless, we have no responsibility over what happens, since we aren’t asked or aren’t allowed to speak. When our words become fact, we find that the price of speaking may be responsibility.
The biggest practical use of all this, I think, is to think carefully when we aren’t heard, or when we are accused of not listening. What stage are we at? What do we need to get to the next one? And does our effective silencing offer us any benefits? The answers may alternately enrage, comfort, or surprise, but they will always leave you better equipped to navigate your challenges.
So until next time, expect the unexpected, stay informed, and I’ll stay informal.
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