People have a lot of reasons not to be happy. Many of them anyone would understand, while some might be confusing to others. There are several things that stand in the way of your average human being and happiness, but the biggest obstacle in achieving a modicum of contentment might be being unable to say exactly what you want.
I am aware that this might sound paradoxical or even stupid to you—after all, who doesn’t know what they need to be happy? It’s so obvious! Why would anyone even ask that? Oh, you’re asking me now? Of course I know what I need to be happy. It’s…uh…yeah.
I often ask people who are struggling at work what they need to be happy, and more often than not they don’t have an answer. I can’t tell you exactly why that is (as I am not able to read minds), but I don’t think that it is because the people I ask are unintelligent or aimless. Rather, my best guess is that it is hard to articulate just what we need to be happy because no one asks, so we tend not to think of it.
Understanding precisely what we need to be happy—and what we need to be rid of to stop being unhappy—is crucial because without knowing the destination, it is unlikely we will end up there. I know how trite that sounds, and I felt more than a little foolish typing it, but I would like to dig in here. We all know how it feels to be unhappy, to sense that something is missing. And yet how often do we not stop to analyze our situation? Rather than pinning down just what the problem is, we rush forward into activities that might, fleetingly, make us feel good, but find ourselves further from real happiness with each day. Temporary escape is the enemy of sustainable progress.
Perhaps I’m being too abstract here. I know that I myself crave an actual example, something to grab on to and manipulate like a scrambled Rubik’s cube, as a way of illustrating what I mean and hopefully sparking some shared understanding. So here goes.
Imagine that you are having a bad day. Your car is making a disturbing noise when you go around corners. You’re stuffed up and have a low-grade headache. You’ve heard that people at work/school (whichever is more apt) are gossiping about you. You work harder than other people and get less recognition. You’re worried about money. And you’re unhappy.
Thinking about it in the strictly intellectual plane, each of these problems is comprehensible, if not immediately solvable. I introduced them in escalating order of difficulty, not by conscious design, although now that I look back on it, it seems apparent. Someone might muddle through the day under a cloud, perhaps seek some momentarily-diverting distraction, then fall asleep, hoping for a better RNG when you reroll the next morning.
From the crisp resolution of a screen, we can all see that just being overwhelmed isn’t a great strategy. Some things will hopefully resolve on their own (the head cold) while others might get worse (the car noises and gossiping). Others, like the existential under-appreciation, might never change.
Taking a moment to isolate each element that contributes to our bad day is the first step towards defining the problem, which at the very least makes it a finite one, hence inherently more manageable.
It might take a just few seconds to think through our entire litany of discontent, sketching general solution directions (not figuring out the details). For example:
- Cold: take OTC cold/pain relief medication, and if symptoms persist, seek medical help
- Car: make an appointment to have a mechanic look at it before something falls off at 65 MPH. It may be expensive and time-consuming, but most likely less expensive and time-consuming than the alternative.
- Gossip: Who is gossiping? How do I treat them? What do I say about them? What can we do to patch things up?
- Work/recognition mismatch: Do I need to work less? Showboat more? Manage my expectations for recognition? Find better surroundings?
- Money worries: Am I spending too much or making too little? Depending on that answer, there are different solutions.
- Unhappiness: We’ve got five mood-dampeners here, and making positive steps towards resolving any of them might help.
With a little introspection, we have traced the outlines of what we need to be happy. Note that two of our problems were relatively straightforward—there is an obvious line between what we want (no cold and no unwanted car noises) and where we are now.
For the other three issues, though, we might need to think more deeply. One easy solution might be to find a new job. Let’s assume that something that we are qualified for that pays at least marginally more than we’re getting now is available. Would we really solve all of our problems by starting over? A lot of us, when we are in the moment, think that we obviously will, but in all honesty, people will probably still gossip at our new workplace or school, we’re still not going to get the credit we feel we’ve earned, and money’s still going to be a problem.
Which is why digging deeper to see exactly what the problem is needs to happen before we can determine what we need to be happy, and why asking “what do you need to be happy?” usually doesn’t elicit an immediate response—unless it’s a pharmacist or auto mechanic asking, in this case. An ombuds or coach working with someone to identify the happiness path probably has their work cut out for them, and it will take a great deal more self-reflection for an answer that can really get us started.
Two takeaways that I would like to share here: first, when facing one or more problems, it’s a good idea to stop for a second and identify just what can make you happy. Second, if someone is struggling to tell you what they need, please be patient—it’s never as easy as it looks.
So until next time, expect the unexpected, stay informed, and I’ll stay informal.
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